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Random Thoughts and Breastfeeding

I know a rather weird title. I have been around long enough, and searching blogs and such that I sometimes don’t sit back and really take everything in. Every day life stuff that is. Sometimes, I feel that I must compare myself to someone, something. The way I SHOULD be, either as a person, or mother. When M and I started talking about kids, and even before I got pregnant, I just knew that I would be a breastfeeding Momma that didn’t care much what other people thought about me deciding to nurse. I had some support. First and foremost M was my best supporter, and although she was a formula fed baby and so wasn’t her brother, she was all for whatever I decided. Me on the other hand was a breastfed baby, at least for the first 6 months or so before my mom had to return to work. I believe at that point I was switched to formula. I would have to ask her to be exact, but either way I was fed at some point by the boob. In my eyes even though I knew formula was available and okay to feed a baby, I was one of those moms that thought I would be perfect at it, and it would work out. When Princess was conceived, at my baby shower I had registered for all the “necessities.” Breast pads, a breast pump, breast cream to help with sore nipples, collection bags for storage, etc. Yes, I did also register for bottles, but I really didn’t NEED them after all for a while anyways. When Princess was born, I can remember the pure joy that I was able to do what is the most “natural” and “healthiest” way to feed your baby. I put her to my breast and she did what any baby does, and sucked. I thought, “this is great, we are going to make a great team at this after all.” I can remember those long first nights. T.I.R.E.D. beyond anything else, and M and I trying our best to position her to get the right latch. At some point, I believe the second night I can remember me sitting up in the bed, crying, with a screaming child in my arms, wondering what I was going to do. M looked at me like, “honey she needs to eat, that is why she is crying.” I was so distraught, I looked at M and told her to go get me a bottle of formula. Her response is that she would be right back. A couple of minutes later a nurse appeared and in a soft tone told me that once my milk came in it would all be okay. I continued to cry, and told her that it hurt. I put Princess back to the breast and did what I “should” be doing. By the time we left the hospital she had lost about 7-8 ounces less than when she was born. You all know the “norm.” When we got home, I was determined to make it work. My milk came in, and I was like a cow mooing. I could have fed 10 kids, as I never had an issue with production. My boobs hurt so bad that the thought of her nursing made my skin crawl. I decided to pump for a while to re leave my nipples from the Parana that was trying to eat them off. I was able at day 5 to pump easily in one sitting 3 ounce bottles from each breast. That was after only about 10 minutes or less. It was incredible. When we took her to the doctors on that following Monday after delivering her she had already gained her weight back and then some. I was exhausted though. Getting up to pump, then feed, and playing catch up to have an extra bottle ready for the next feeding was killing me. I told the doctor, “Give me formula. Any formula will do.” She did. End of story. Within a week of switching to formula, I had noticed a change in Princess. She was vomiting after each feeding, didn’t seem comfortable with the formula. I went back to the doctors numerous times and talked with different doctors in the practice about her, before long, I decided that practice was not for us. I switched doctors who sent us to a GI specialist, an allergy specialist, who then confirmed a couple of issues. She was in fact allergic to milk, soy, wheat, eggs. You name it, she was allergic. That doctor found a super hypoallergenic formula- prescription form that cost the insurance 110.00 a can. Yes, it was like liquid gold as we called it. In between I ended up going to a LC to talk about re lactation. She, like so many LC’s and breastfeeding woman concurred with me to begin pumping. I did it all, meds, hospital grade pump, more meds, etc, and before long I was able to pump more than half of her feedings. Not bad if I say so myself from not nursing for the past 4 Months. But in the end that proved to be a challenge also. Between pumping, formula feeding, meds, her meds to help her stomach, I just couldn’t do it anymore. I stopped, but my brain couldn’t. I was obsessed with breastfeeding. I felt like a failure. It felt like I was going to be on the daily news at 6 PM. MOTHER GIVES UP BREASTFEEDING AND CHILD IS SUFFERING. That is how I felt, not kidding. M was to the point that she didn’t know what to do with me. Over time though things got easier, because I was more focused that the next time would be different.

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